Disappointment, 4th of 9

Another helpful idea from Dr. John Delony —

1. Give yourself permission to grieve. 

Grieve might sound like a dramatic word here, but it’s not. Disappointment is like a small death of something you hoped for—even if it’s something seemingly trivial. 
  
No matter how big or small your disappointment, give yourself permission to grieve what you’ve lost (or maybe never received). Don’t try to gloss over or numb your unpleasant emotions. Name your feelings. If you’ve been passed over for a big promotion at work, you might chalk it up to feeling depressed or having anxiety, when in reality, you’re actually angry, hurt and disappointed. These are natural reactions to having your hopes let down. 

So, allow yourself to feel. Have a hard cry. Sit in your grief, but don’t bathe in it. You must lean into and process your negative emotions in order to eventually let them go and make a plan for how you’re going to move forward. 

2. Don’t compare your grief to someone else’s. 

It’s tempting to try and minimize our grief by comparing it to others who are “worse off” than we are. We end up getting stuck in an endless cycle. I saw this line of thinking all over the place during the COVID pandemic: Yeah, we had to cancel my son’s birthday party, but one of my friends had to postpone her wedding. Yeah, I had to postpone my wedding, but at least I still have my job. Well, I lost my job, but at least no one in my family has died. And on and on it goes . . .

The problem with this approach is that we deny ourselves the permission to grieve. Plus, it might seem noble, but it’s not actually doing you or anyone else any good. Minimizing your sadness doesn’t make someone suddenly feel better somewhere else in the world. 

Own your grief and don’t apologize for feeling sad.

3. Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. 

I know this feels cheesy and Dear-Diary-ish, but it’s backed by research, and it works. Unfortunately, our feelings are both important and often highly inaccurate. They lie to us. They often get jumbled up in our hearts and minds and make us feel confused and downtrodden. I don’t care how tough or cool you are, write down your feelings and scour each of them for truth.

Seeing your feelings on paper allows them to stop spin-cycling in your head and become manageable. It takes away some of their power and gives you some much-needed space between your emotions and your ability to think.  

4. Don’t allow disappointment to become your identity. 

There’s a deadly lie that can spring out of a disappointing experience, especially if it’s a pattern.

You can easily start to believe that you are a disappointment.
Let’s say that you’ve experienced several long-term relationships ending in awful breakups. It’d be easy to assume the hurt as an identity: I suck. There must be something wrong with me. And on it goes. 

Hear me on this: Disappointment is something you experience. It’s not something you are.

Of course, it might be time to do some self-examination to understand the role you play in disappointing patterns (such as romantic breakups).

But your contributions—good or bad—do not dictate who you are.

Refuse to let disappointment become your identity.